


the ghost of the girl I used to be

by moriphyte



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:57:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6655237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriphyte/pseuds/moriphyte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"First I cried for him and then I cried for me<br/>Haunted by the ghost of the girl I used to be"<br/>-Kimya Dawson- <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81gr6saLiLs">The Beer</a><br/><br/>Have you ever woken up in the morning with a headache, the taste of stale alcohol in your mouth, and regret for everything you've ever done? Rose Lalonde has.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the ghost of the girl I used to be

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up with a headache and I'm writing before I have to go to work. I love the seers I love them.

It's not the same, this place 

You used to wake up early to the warmth of your bed and the smell of cold. You would rub your lavender eyes, smooth your pale hair, get out of bed and pick your way through the mess of yarn and books all over your room to the door. The house was always pretty quiet, the only sound that seemed to always be there was the tv, playing Real Housewives reruns or house hunting shows. It was big and empty which was just the way you liked it.

You remember that in the morning you always did the same thing. You went to the kitchen and tossed some oatmeal in the microwave. While waiting for it to heat, dancing your cold feet in your fuzzy purple stripped socks on the cold kitchen floor, you checked the status of the 'ironically passive aggressive Lalondian note system' on the front of the refrigerator. There was always a good morning note for you, every day without fail even if you didn't see your mom for days she always left a new note, always.

After adding your response to what at the time you thought were just a series of ironic barbs meant to challenge your patience you would remove your bowl of now warm oatmeal from the microwave and take a seat at the large kitchen table. You ate alone, usually while on Pesterchum with Dave. He was the only one of your friends that was ever up at that time, he didn't get up early, he just didn't go to sleep until really late. He usually fell asleep halfway through your conversation, which you were happy for, leaving you completely alone.

You spent the rest of your day reading or writing wizard fanfiction in that stupid purple pen you used to use. Sometimes your mom came home, sometimes not. But when she did she always called "Rooosiiieee!" as soon as she walked ink the house. At the time you would roll your purple eyes, so different from her pink ones, and call to her that you were busy. 

You never wanted to see her, you never wanted to talk to her. Now its all you want. 

 

You wake up with blurry vision and a pounding headache on the couch in the common room. Pushing yourself up and trying to ignore the way it makes the pain in your head pulse you look around, rubbing at your hazy eyes until the room comes into focus. The room is empty but the coffee cups and sticky crumb covered plates on the table tells you that they where earlier, probably for breakfast, as does the blanket that you have just noticed around you.

You look down and play with the fringe on the red blanket, twisting it around your finger and inspecting your chipping purple nail polish. 

You wonder idly where everyone is, although you can probably guess. From the dim flickering light under his door, Karkat is watching movies in bed again. From the door beside his you can hear a beat muffled by what you assume are Daves obnoxiously big headphones. There's no sign of Kanaya.

At the thought of her you groan and press a hand to your throbbing forehead. You fucked up, again.

Theres no way she didn't see you passed out on the couch in the common room. You can see her face, the way her dark eyebrows move lower over her kind green eyes and her lips, painted black, turn down at the corners. You want to kiss her, but you can't, because you're drunk and she's pushing you away and then she's helping you to your feet and leading you to the couch. 

Did that happen?

No, no it wasn't Kanaya. You're thinking of someone else. The eyebrows were thick and pale like yours and the eyes, they were red. It was Dave. 

You don't remember what he said, but you remember his voice, flat, deep, like the beats coming from under his bedroom door. You hadn't heard what he said, you just listened to his voice and let everything go blurry. 

There's a sound from the kitchen and you look up, your head pounding with the sudden movement, to see someone standing at the counter with their back to you wearing a large red hoodie over a pair of colorful dragon shorts. The hood is pulled up over a mess of short black hair and by the small lumps in the thick red fabric there's a pair of horns underneath. When they turn around you see the tired, slightly chubby face of Terezi Pyope looking at you with her burnt out eyes over a coffee mug, one of the ones Dave printed a shitty jpeg of Snoop Dog on.

"You look like shit" she says, taking a sip of whatever is in the mug and walking over to the table. She pushes some papers Karkat and Dave drew dicks all over off the bench across from the couch and takes a seat. She rests her elbows on the table top and takes another sip of what now looks to be some of Dave's orange soda.

"Thank you, Terezi, you too" you say, giving her tight, sarcastic smile before you realize she can't see it. 

"Your lipstick is smudged" is her only reply

You quickly rub the back of your hand over your mouth and glance down to see a smudge of black against your skin. You must have fallen asleep with it on.

You bite the inside of your cheek push the blanket off your lap and get up off the couch, pausing for a second to let your head stop throbbing.

You pad over to the sink, bare feet cold on the hard concrete floor, and grab a paper towel from the nearly empty roll sitting on a damp part of the counter. 

Kanaya is usually the one that cleans around here but someone must have made a mess she didn't get to. Probably Vriska.

You use the already damp paper towel to wipe at your lipstick, using the window of the microwave as a distorted mirror. You end up wiping off your eyes as well as your mascara has smudged over the already dark circles under your eyes.

God you feel like shit.

You take a breath and straighten up, regaining some of your usual composure as you walk over to the coffee machine. 

Its a massive metal pod that none of you really know how to work but you've figured out the basic functions of it. Last time you tried any more than that Dave got sprayed with hot coffee. 

You stand on your toes and grab a mug from one of the cabinets, your favorite with the cat and the stupid Monday pun. None of the trolls get it but you and Dave have a private joke about how the cat looks to be, in Daves words 'high off its cat ass.' It's nice not to be the only human here. Despite your initial reaction to finding out that you were related, having Dave as a twin brother wasn't as bad as you thought it would be, it's not bad at all, almost nice. You had been friends the longest of the four of you, meeting on some stupid literature discussion forum when you were only 10. You kept each other company in your respectively lonely lives and really you thunk you always knew there was something else there. 

Once you've filled your mug with steaming black coffee you make your way back over to table and sit down across from Terezi, smoothing the pale orange material of your godtier outfit over your legs. 

Across from you your fellow seer sits curled in on herself with her mug held close to her body. She looks tired, really tired. Her eyes are dark with lack of sleep, the burnt out red dull against the bruises, and her shoulders hang heavily. You haven't seen much of her in the last few days, although you were intoxicated most of that time. She was probably hiding away in her room, she does that a lot. 

"You don't look so good yourself" you say, taking a sip of your coffee. It's burning and bitter, just the way you like it. Dave says you're gross for drinking that coffee black, you tell him he's a baby for diluting it with so much milk that it can hardly be called coffee. You agree to disagree.

Terezi shrugs, "yeah, I know"

This catches you off guard, you weren't expecting her to agree with you, you were just getting back at her for saying you looked like shit, you didn't actually mean anything by it. Still, the way her eyes focus on nothing it seems she hardly has the energy to care what you meant.

You take a breath and try to regain your composure, "I would advise you to get some sleep" you say, taking another sip of your coffee 

She gives you a tight smile, eyes hard, "thank you oh Seer of Light for the knowledge on how to not be tired, I never would have guessed that the solution could be to, gasp" she puts a hand to her mouth, "sleep"

You smile at her, more softly this time, "well as the authority on all things knowledge around here, I would also advise that you stay away from soda" you say, nodding to the mug she holds in her hands. She hunches her shoulder and looks to the side, "I thought that was Vriska."

You smile, "she appointed herself that position"

Terezi snickers, "I may not be the authority on all things knowledge but I believe you just did the exact same thing" 

You laugh and nod, "I'll give you that"

"So, anything else I should know, oh knowledgable one?" she asks, grinning at you

"Well besides getting some much needed sleep and avoiding soda I would also recommend that you avoid clowns" you say.

She goes still, the smile dropping from her chapped lips and she looks at you with something you can't read on her face, "I think there's a flaw in your sight, Seer, I don't go anywhere near any clowns"

You take another sip of coffee and raise your eyebrows, "whatever you say"

She looks at you hard for a minute before finally saying, "please don't say anything to Vriska." She looks to the side in what almost looks like shame and then back up at you.

You take a sip of coffee and nod, "my lips are sealed"

"And I don't want to hear it" she says

"Hear what?" you ask

She looks at you hard, "your opinion except I know you're going to offer it anyway"

You smile, "you know me well"

She rolls her eyes and hunches her shoulders, "well just say it already"

"You said you didn't want to hear it" you say

"I don't but if I don't let you say it you're just going to sit there looking all smug knowing something I don't and that's way more annoying than hearing your opinion on my love life" she says 

You laugh, "you sound like Dave"

She rolls her eyes again, "just tell me, Lalonde"

You nod and set your mug down on the sticky table top. "My opinion is just that, my opinion, it has no bearing on your decisions, but I really do not have any ulterior motive in telling you that I think the relationship is a bad idea"

She hunches her shoulder more and shoves her hands in the pocket of her hoodie

You continue, "my sight may not be clear, but I'll just call it a feeling. It wouldn't be good for either of you"

She groans, "I know that, he's gross and I hate him which is why its so bad. And Vriska she- I can't talk to her about it because she would just brush me off and tell me he's gross. She doesn't understand that I actually do...hate him" she says, teal coloring her chubby cheeks.

You nod and take another sip of coffee, "I beleive that your feelings for him are real, and I understand wanting to do something without Vriska. I know how...controlling she can be"

She looks up at you, "I know, she never listens she just, uhg" she puts her face in her hands, "she's my Moirail and I love her but" she looks back up at you, "I just want to feel in control for once"

You nod again, "I suppose I can understand that" you say, glancing at the empty wine bottle at the other end of the table.

Terezi follows your gaze and looks back at you, "Seers, we're just messes aren't we" 

You smile, "yes, I believe that we are. We don't have to be though"

She gives you a questioning look. "What we're dong is stupid, we both know it. We have people who love us, there's no need for us to be doing this to ourselves. Talk to Vriska, I think she will listen to you once she gets passed her own ego, if anyone can do that it's you. You're her Moirail too." you say.

She nods, "I guess, but if I talk to Vriska you have to talk to Kanaya and Dave"

You look to the side, "I suppose you are right but, well, there's a good chance that neither of them really want to talk to me right now"

She shrugs, "so? Wait it out until you don't feel so shitty and talk to them later" she braces her hands on the table and stands, pushing her chair back from the table, "I don't know about you but I'm going to go take a shower...wash off the clown, if you wanna come. Dave hasn't gotten in the shower yet so if we want any hot water we need to shower now"

You smile, "that sounds reasonable"

 


End file.
